When I think about my alcoholism I think of worry, trouble, depression, lies, deceit and lots of skulking around but not a lot of fun. I think of years of lost sleep, lost love, lost trust lost personal treasure. So when I think about a "cure" I think in relative terms and usually in cures as 'freedoms from' somethings like freedom from lost sleep, lost love, lost trust. A cure for me means I no longer have to lie about things, no more hiding liquor around the house and no more making up of stories to cover - up what I was doing when I did not show up to a function that I had promised my presence at.
I know that others would like to hope that there is a cure for the craving of alcohol or the need for putting an addicting substance in your body. And if you are reading this and truly have a continuing interest to participate in this forum I will share with you all that my experience has shown me. I do use medication to suppress cravings and I would like to say that it works very well. But I cannot say that unequivocally. And that is because that by the time that I truly surrendered to the program, I was so out of breath and mentally exhausted from all the tribulations, that I still do not know almost nine months later, whether my lack of craving is the result of medication or the result of emotional exhaustion. Only time will tell. And of course I cannot say that there are no times that I have not had at least a small desire for a nip, just not that overwhelming need to have slug, right now not later just now here and all other things be damned!
So I start the blog hopeful that there are other experiences out there, other opinions, other life stories. I do not intend to have great debates but in true AA fashion we can only bring our experience strength and hope to our own recovery and the rest is up to us. We can take what we need and leave the rest.
I await with interest the future.
Dr. Bob
What does it really mean to take no prisoners (emotionally speaking)? It sure is not the same as being held hostage. Or is it? The sentiment stems from the same feeling of anger and unfocused rage such as in “I’m so angry that I’m not taking any prisoners. Or you all are being held hostage to my anger. The result is the same even if the intent of the words is slightly different.
ReplyDeleteBut I am ultimately responsible and accountable for those feelings and how they affect others. I must not allow my behavior to run wild over the lives of those closest to me and if I do I must promptly make amends so that guilt and shame do not fester and resentments do not build.
And where there is resentment there is always the potential for me to hold it against the wrong party or against myself, when even holding the resentment at all is just an unhealthy idea. It undermines my tranquility and attacks my spirituality and it certainly has no socially redeeming value.
So behavior that fosters no negotiation tactics or uses things or people as objects for negotiation is bad acting. It is wrong, unconscionable and cowardly. It has no place in “normal” human intercourse and must be extirpated from my ordinary daily behavior.
The extent, to which I am successful in living like this one day at a time, will be the measure of my success in AA and of my sobriety.