DREAM

DREAM. 12/10/10

I had a peculiar shred of a dream. I was just at the edge of sleep when all of a sudden I wondered what if I were not to wake up and if in fact die, what about non existence? What would that feel like? and then I realized I would not even feel that I wouldn't exist anymore and I started to be really depressed and anxious. Why had this happened to me? Was that all there is? We are born from nothing we live and then we die and return to nothingness?

And what of my new found serenity? What about my spirituality where had my belief in a higher power gone? And as soon as I thought about the implications of all of this there was darkness, nothingness, complete homeostatic equilibrium.

I can't even describe the feeling of this non feeling; no anxiety, no joy, no fear, no nothing!

And this caused me to wake up in a blind panic . I hadn't said good bye to my daughter, I hadn't said my adieus to friends and family, and I hadn't filled my wife in about what all the dregs of the 'estate' were. But most of all was the sense of great disappointment that there was no hereafter, just nothing. No better place,no'other world'or other plane of existence. Just an overwhelming sense of disappointment and bland blackness.

Wow.

And then today 12/11/10 Miel says how down and out of sorts he is because he had to put down one of his dogs and I immediately went to that thought that maybe I am one of those dogs and my fate is not really determined by my higher power, and maybe even, my higher power is really someone like Miel.

And 'higher power Miel' will one day think that I need to be put out of my misery and I will, willy nilly, be put down because, (not that I want to be put out of my misery), Miel,my higher power, wants to put me out of my misery so that he can be less miserable about my misery. Wow about that!

And I will go straight to oblivion and he will go on to have an out of sorts week and then have to go to a Saturday men’s meeting to tell them how his dog needed to be put down so that he can give up his misery to his higher power and he will feel oh so much better for sharing that. And…


And I will be dead, and not even know it!...And...


As I said, it was a peculiar shred of a dream.



© res 12/11/10