WHERE OUR RESPONSIBILITY LAYS

WHERE OUR RESPONSIBILITY LAYS

I am not at all happy about it, but it happened again. But I was prepared, at least in the back of my mind I was. When RJ.. voiced his troubled announcement about someone having gone out once again and admitting that he feared the only thing he had to look forward to was that person’s funeral, it was pretty shocking at first, since I wasn't sure initially who he was referring to.

But as I re-scanned the room, JB's absence was apparent even though he had been sitting across from me just yesterday. And I could have scoured my mind for the all the reasons he might have gone out again, and all the possible things I could have done had I been aware of the immediate danger, but when all is said and done I realized that I am not and was not responsible for JB's sobriety.

And in fact, I had told him just that last week upon his latest return to the 'fold'. That direct talk that I had referred to in a previous essay was what I had initiated the day he returned. It was mostly an effort to save myself but also to let him know where the boundaries of behavior and expectations were, both for him and for those around him. He needed to know that there were those immediately around him who cared for him deeply and who would help him as much as they could.

But, once again, I had to emphasize that he was responsible for his own sobriety. We could not do it for him. We were responsible for our own sobrieties and frankly we would be remiss if we did not attend to that first above any obligation he might think we had to him, regardless of promises made and all good intentions offered.

Friendship is a pact, as is one's commitment to AA. Abrogation of that pact brings on the severing of the obligations and promises that went with those friendships to the extent that they endanger the requirement of self preservation.

I was very explicit and sympathetic and blunt. But I was kind and JB… readily admitted that whatever the reason for his going out, (which I said was not my concern, only his recommitment to his return was,) he wasn't going to be judged but he could not expect to bring anyone along that road with him. Additionally, he could not expect people not be disappointed in him and, he could not expect to finesse us.

You cannot lie to us, you cannot 'bend" the truth'. We are all master truth benders in this program, or in the vernacular, ' you can't bullshit a bullshitter'. We are going to be your harshest critics, your most disappointed friends and your most ardent supporters when you decide to return.

We cannot block your return to AA but most importantly, we will not block your return and if you once again say you want to not drink, one day at a time, we will once again try to show you the way we did it.

But you cannot bring us down. And you cannot take us with you.


© res 2/18/11