I hope you enjoy them.
Dr. Bob
ADAGIOS (Or Fractured Aphorisms)
1. If taking things to the next level means that I have to climb a ladder, Jack Welch will not hire me.
2. There are times when life is great, but don’t blink or you’ll miss it.
3. When my ship comes in it will be a dinghy.
4. Don’t monkey around something intelligent might happen.
5. I live to serve, but I’m usually the dish.
6. When Irish eyes are shining, there are usually some empty glasses around.
7. A good day for me is a bad day for the bottom line.
8. A bad day for me is a good day for the bottom line.
9. There’s no business like show business unless you are sane.
10. A water buffalo is an oxy moron.
11. Living on the edge is fine if you don’t sharpen the blade.
12. D’is-ability is what your mother objected to all along.
13. Strike a blow for Liberty
14. He, who laughs last, laughs last.
15. When time is of the essence, it usually stinks.
16. I try to get in on the ground floor, but usually wind up in the basement.
17. You can’t always get what you want, and you usually don’t.
18. Being first isn’t everything, but that’s just the point of view of the winner.
19. Life may be just a bowl of cherries, but I prefer pozole.
20. If variety is the spice of life, mine is getting too hot to handle.
21. Strike while the iron is hot or you’ll never get the wrinkles out.
22. A stitch in time is usually a pain in the side.
23. If the plot is thickening, someone added cornstarch.
24. The chance of a lifetime is usually something terminal.
25. Chance favors the prepared mind, but who has all that time for cooking?
26. Adultery is only good for pulpwood.
27. Justice may be blind, but it often can’t hear either.
28. Consistency may be the hobgoblin of petty minds, but at least you get to hear the same tune played the same way twice.
29. Not everyone can be a genius, but you’d never know to hear my mother talk.
30. To hear my mother talk is to listen to a damaged record.
31. If all the pain in the world were concentrated in a small box, my mother would have a duplicate.
32. Don’t get angry get pissed!
33. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, back to back and a belly to a belly.
34. She lives today to tell tomorrow what happened yesterday.
35. If it ain’t broke, it ain’t been used.
36. To use it is to lose it.
37. When the going gets tough, give up.
38. When the enemy’s at the gate, start fiddling.
39. If you can’t beat ‘em, stir thoroughly.
40. Silence is golden, invisibility priceless.
41. Many hands make the till disappear faster.
42. If I had a penny for every time I heard that, I’d be penny foolish.
43. It takes only 15 muscles to smile but doesn’t help you when you want to smack someone.
44. Oil and water are immiscible evidence.
45. Extremism in the defense of liberty is extreme.
46. To be or not to be, seems like a no win situation.
47. Nice guys finish last because the badies start at the tape.
48. You can’t be in two places at once, but that depends what the definition of be, be.
49. The secret to success is lying, cheating and avoiding honest work.
50. Hebonics is the ability to distinguish between the schlemiel and the schlimazel.
51. Think of it as having a leg up instead of one foot in the grave.
52. If I ever get my just desserts, it will have to be made with Equal.
53. Being the odd man out is a benefit in a Gay bar.
54. One carpe/diem is good for the sole and the heart.
55. Every cloud has a vapor lining.
56. Behind every cloud, things really are as bleak as they seem.
57. Who snuffed the light at the end of the tunnel?
58. It’s always darkest just when there’s no sun out.
59. Time cures everything, even life.
60. No news is no news.
61. Bad news for the prisoner is a treat for the executioner.
62. There are prevarications, damned mendacities and Gaussian curves.
63. If you can’t beat ‘em, shoot ‘em.
64. The first will be last… but the first will have already changed the finish line.
65. The meek shall inherit the earth after the strong rape, pillage and abandon it.
66. My time will come, I hope before I pass on.
67. Beauty is only skin deep – try saying that the bear skin rug on the floor.
68. You can’t tell a book by its cover, but the title may give you a clue.
69. If at first you don’t succeed, the tough get going.
70. When you think all is lost, things get just a little worse.
71. Do unto others the way you would have others unto you do, to undo to you what you had done.
72. You can be all things to nobody.
73. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but don’t tell that to your wife.
74. You find hope in the oddest places, but it doesn’t help when you’re beyond desperation.
75. An apple a day eventually presents you with a worm.
76. The best and the brightest often do the worst and the dumbest.
77. When opportunity knocks, confirm the source of the sulphurous smell.
78. You can bring a bandersnatch to brillig, but you can’t make him eat a carpenter.
79. The name of the game is win; the means is sin.
80. Rhinoplasty is for nosey people.
81. Palatoplasty is for blabbermouths.
82. Scotchoplasty is for serious drinkers.
83. Millennial thoughts are a long time coming.
84. The Second Coming is a deep millennial thought.
85. If you were me, you wouldn’t be silly enough to be writing these sadages.
86. My idea of a bull’s eye is the calm before the storm.
87. There are too many bad jokes and I know most of them.
88. If time heals all wounds, why am I still changing the bandages.
89. The best laid plans of mice and men usually wind up with a slap in the face.
90. A fiver for your thoughts – inflation you know.
91. The better part of valor is survival.
92. If army intelligence is an oxymoron, what kind of moron am I?
93. The night is always darkest when there is no light.
94. My finest hour was sixty seconds long.
95. When, in the course of human events, you’re given liberty or given death, they will say that this was their finest hour; conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men (not women, not slaves and not non-property holders) are created equal. We are gathered here today to see if any nation so conceived and so dedicated can long fear itself. But be wary of the military industrial complex. And I am not a crook, depending what the definition of crook is. And to this we pledge our lives, our fortunes and our sacred honor.
96. Honesty is the best policy. I could open up an insurance company.
97. The proof of the kugle is in schmaltz.
98. Why is it that when things are at their very worst, we blithely say that it’s all for the best?
99. Ask not what you can do for your country, ask to whom you can do it.
100 (Stolen) I wouldn’t mind time flying by as long as it didn’t insist on dragging me along with it.
101 Put yourself in my shoes, then you’ll know how painful corns are!
102 If you can’t understand another until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes, what enlightenment is there to be mined if you walked two?
103 If the real action is where the leather meets the floor, is there any hope for peasants?
104 But if the action is where the rubber meets the road, Mexican camposinos will do very well with their guaraches.
104 No man is an island, but you could make do with a woman of the female persuasion.
105 A bird in hand usually leaves a mess.
106 A friend in need usually requires a contract.
107 Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but sometimes he needs corrective lenses.
108 Good fences make good neighbors, provided they split the cost.
109 If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one around to hear the fall, does any one care?
110 With age comes wisdom. So who’s responsible for Sharon and Arafat?
111 Age is honorable, youth is noble, and I am crotchety.
112 All’s well that ends well but all that begins well is, well, not always ending well.
113 Whoever said that beggars should not be choosy, hasn’t seen the panhandlers in San Francisco
114 Better late than never, except for your funeral.
115 Necessity is a real mother.
116 There’s many a slurp between the cup and the lip.
117 If a conservative is a mugged liberal, is a liberal a conservative whose HMO has denied service?
118 There are reasons for everything, but explanations for few.
119 Work deferred is work never done.
120 Is that bad?
121 It always is a puzzlement, when I see two boys who are staying with me, act better than their parents.
122 I don’t think I can go on and on and on and on and on…..
123 A lawyer who treats himself has a fool for a doctor.
124 If you’re going to set the world on fire, better bring some matches.
125 If this were a perfect world, it would be boring.
126 When things are happening all around you, it’s called life.
127 Life happens. Not always neat, not always clean, not always recognizable.
128 The love of a good woman is worth at least two men.
129 The value of the love of a good woman depends on your point of view.
130 The course of true love never did run smooth; sometimes it’s worth it not to be so reality based.
131 Leading glass is a plumb of a job.
132 If I had to rely on learned knowledge, I would be attending remedial classes.
133 I always thought that to be a good doctor was to be a good diagnostician; I very quickly learned that the only thing that matters is whether the patient likes you.
RES 7/2/2001 ©
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