TIME AND TIDE

TIME AND TIDE

The sun is barely peeking over the eastern horizon as I sit in my car looking out over the estuarial 'Tuxahunk' River. The rise and fall of the waters reflects my mood on the is second anniversary of my sobriety.

Like the tide, the serenity of my recovery has ebbed and flowed, rising and falling with the emotions that are, no doubt, challenging for the healthy and well adjusted person but which are doubly acute when sharpened by the irritant effect of alcoholic moods and thoughts.

During the past two years alcoholic thinking has intruded upon my daily routine. It is thinking that daily attends my alcoholic mind but to which an adjusted person rarely gives a thought. Emotions which are habit for normal folk are gala affairs for me and my ilk so that excessive energy is spent on hypervigilance in the awareness that my behavior is a long way from what most people recognize as normal.

So I look back on these past two years and wonder what I have learned about my sobriety and what it has taken me to arrive at this riverfront on this fine January morning.

I have to acknowledge right off the bat that sobriety is no mean achievement. Just watching the difficulty of newcomers stay in the program for the first ninety days, and then the next three months, well let's say that I have seen my share of slips. And I recall that it took me ten years to get serious with my program myself. It is hard work which must be attended to daily through wariness, prayer, attitude, and care. Initially it was just a matter of showing up; and that was no small accomplishment.

Just getting out of bed, clearing away the ghosts of the night in order to make it to a meeting every morning took a yeoman's effort. Then sitting and listening and trying to distill some meaning (let alone wisdom) from the cacophony of nomenclature,...terms such as serenity, humility, inventory, character defects and God (or higher power). These could be (and were) often overwhelming. What did it mean that I had to get over my anger and my fear? That all I needed was to do the next right thing?

And then my mind wanders to the notion of why those close to me are not congratulating me on today's monumental achievement? Don't they even remember that two years ago I was a drunk? And then I remember that which I cannot forget, which is I still am a drunk.

Sitting in this room this morning at our men's step meeting we are speaking about Step Six "Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character". And shares fly around the table from testimonies that no matter how late one may come to a meeting we are grateful that the meeting is there so that we can maintain our sobriety.

One member reports that it took seven years of him coming late to meetings. He was in and out. Using and abstaining both alcohol and drugs. People despaired of him finding the way to the program. "What I have learned about addicts and alcoholics is that we want to use and drink; but AA's doors are always open if you want to walk in. And if you "go out" or can always decide to return, no recriminations, no blame. We are here for you and your sobriety. And I believe, I know, that I cannot do this alone. Each day I remember that staying sober is the most important thing in my life. Otherwise I will have no life against which to measure its value".

The men at the meeting remind me of other valuable lessons learned during the past two years. When I have periods of low self esteem, when I feel badly about me, I am reminded to do "esteem able" acts. That is, doing unto others as I would have them do unto me. I did not really live the Golden Rule before but going to meetings daily reminded me that by giving kindness one gets kindness.

I forgot these things.

All of what I perceive of as the gifts of the program will not come to me in one fell swoop. I takes time. What I thought was an insipid bromide has become a living axiom of sobriety. Time takes time; and patience takes time. When my daily plans included only instantly gratifying goals, patience was nonexistent and time was a virtue not suffered bravely.

But through the lens of two years I have a different perspective. My goals requiring instant gratification recede in a distant parallax view. And it continually recedes if I approach that goal with any attitude short of the patience needed to fully apprehend the journey to that aspiration.

So I try to live as serenely as I can in all my daily affairs. Only my family can attest to how difficult an effort that has been. I try to understand the concept of humility and live an honest life. Which only comes through the daily examination of my character defects and then a willingness to have them removed by my higher power. It is a process of continual becoming... and that takes time. And those closest to me will definitely subscribe to the notion that ridding oneself of character defects is a lifelong goal not just to be performed once and then considered done.

So I stand on a pier jutting out into the river. I hear the gurgle of the tide turning back the estuarial river. The mud flat rivulets that were carved during the receding tide are now filling in and crumbling. The constant remodeling of the world proceeds.

Like the river and tide remodeling the shore my soul is being remolded. It is being refreshed as new concepts and true belief wash in. And for that I need a daily reprieve from the storms of alcoholism.

AA provides that anchor in the storm and the rooms the hearth to warm the soul.

© res January 13, 2012