AGED THOUGHTS

AGED THOUGHTS   

 

The morning is gray and my mood matches the day.  And as I head out for my daily AA fix I choose to turn left into the church parking lot instead of right, down the street to the "Y". Today I do not have anything to say about God being the solution to alcoholism, and really mean it the way the rest of those in that group truly believe. I, per se, am not a "true believer", at least not as Bill W would have me believe. I need something more basic, more earthy. I need to be reminded of the pain that got me to where I am.

 

So left it is and I enter the "Servery" (a peculiarity of Episcopal nomenclature I am assured of by my ecclesiastic friend) to attend today's meeting with forty other aging drunks.  That wasn't my intention but when I sat down and had time to survey the men in the meeting it was clear that this was no young man's game. This was for mature audiences only.

 

As I looked around the room it was clear that the faces that I recognized from years ago had more furrowed brows and deeper nasal folds than I remembered.  Jowls were fleshier. And even if the eyes flashed just as brightly as before, they could not belie the age that lay behind them. But the things they had to say were what I needed to hear this week, a week that for me was filled with a deep sense of foreboding and depression for the intransigence of the condition of my life and the feeling that it was leading nowhere fast and that I did not know how to move it along or why this was happening to me.

 

So I listened to how these other withering plants were handling their lives.

 

Jack, a bit younger than I is having trouble in determining just how he is going to go to a wedding where his girlfriend insists that he will have to stay for the whole proceeding.  I couldn't tell if this was his old girlfriend or a new one since his old one would have had a good idea of his history and I would have thought would have been a bit more sensitive to his sober plight. We usually say "go late and leave early", an injunction usually meant not to be abrogated by the whimsy of anyone, regardless of their personal desires, if it puts one's sobriety at risk, and Jack knows better. But that is his dilemma today which he must share.

 

Mel starts to share that he has a premonitionary sense that there is a move in his future but he does not know when or if but it feels like it is just hanging there like a scimitar over some invisible doorway just waiting for him to enter.  His fear is the issue. The fear that somehow that will affect his sobriety, which, for the past thirty years has served him well.  His two boys never knew him when he wasn't sober.

 

"Sobriety gave me a life beyond my wildest dreams, and I don't want that to end. I guess I'm just afraid of change. I don't want to move from here, from my meetings, from where I'm comfortable."

And it is from this sentence that my mind starts to riff, " a life beyond my wildest dreams" because I feel jealous that I have yet to obtain that. Or even approach that - ; A life even like a daydream or a reverie, musing or whimsy perhaps?  But since I got sober all I feel my life has been like has been just been a treading of water. I feel that I reached a level of sobriety but my life has not progressed beyond that.

 

Did I misread the promises?

 

I know I have to work for my future but at every turn a new roadblock pops up and it becomes difficult to believe that there isn't a world out there hell bent to get me! So I listen some more.

 

To Alan, who is sober 21 years and is a junior partner in a machine shop but for some reason cannot get along with a senior partner.  He has noticed that he has had this trouble more and more since he stopped going to as many meetings. That has occurred since his sponsor died several years ago.  "So I am coming clean and telling on myself so that I can get right with me and my program. I need to get another sponsor and start to come to meetings regularly again. I need to work the steps again. I cannot just fly off the handle at my partner because that is not sober behavior.

 

"And I notice that I behave that way around town too, acting foolishly when complete strangers try to motion to me to slow down. I want to run them down! How do I know that up the road there isn't an accident -  why should I take it out on some old codger signaling me to slow down?"

 

And Clint, quoting Jake who after eight months of sobriety is beginning to appreciate the fact that he could take his daughter to a water park and note the absolute terror on her face at the top of water slide and watch as the sheer terror faded to a true thrill of accomplishment as she reached the bottom.  And the feeling of achievement that Jake had having been sober to enjoy that. He has been out of work during this whole time; he could have been out of a marriage also, but things somehow worked out.

 

When I left the meeting the day was a bit brighter, I even had to put on my sunglasses. The mood brightened enough to think about what I had taken away from this meeting what I would not have taken from the other meeting.

 

I had to be reminded again that things change slowly; much more slowly than I would like them to be. It's a hard lesson to learn because fiscal time and AA time are not necessarily consonant.  Bills have to be paid.  Patiences of others in my life are not necessarily without end. I can only hope that understanding will last a bit longer.

 

What I can say is that the time I have had to reflect upon my life has given me the opportunity to appreciate the family that I have. The pride of family, to appreciate the excellence of my daughter's accomplishments, to watch her grow and move into the world. To see her take charge of her life.

 

I'm proud to see my wife take charge of her life. I wish I could be more of a help to her and feel like less of a burden.

 

Sometimes it's important to change venues because the new people have new views from old vantage points.  Age makes a difference and I needed a seasoned point of view, a new perspective that has been missing for the past year.

 

And another thing, I need a new sponsor to take me through the steps once more.  I must start all over again. A fresh point of view can never be wrong and, who knows, new light may be shed on an old subject.

 

© res 8/25/2012