DISTRACTIONS

DISTRACTIONS

"I know you're going to think that this is an old story," moaned Marty, "but I have to keep saying this because it keeps happening to me. Last night I had the worst drug dreams that I have had since sobering up. And when I was not dreaming I was craving. Horrible! I'm doing everything that I'm supposed to do. I come to meetings, I go to my IOP, I call five other drunks every day and I read the literature and at best I extract only fractional snippets of respite from this torture from day to day. It's horrible. And now that I am doing the best that I can, my wife, of course, is asking for the divorce. Not that I didn't see this coming. Of course, I'm at fault. I have acknowledged that I'm at fault but must I have my face rubbed in it every minute of every day?"

And Marty went on with the familiar litany that has been his signature daily complaint since he returned from his most recent slip fifty five days ago. Yet there were others in the room who had similar stories with girlfriends or ex wives suddenly demanding more money that they didn't have or more emotional support that the ex  did not initially want but now that old lives were being renewed and restored they became fair game to be picked over by their old predators. At least that was the point of view of these men.

It is instructive to note that these complaints came from those who had the briefest sobrieties and the minimum acceptance of their situations. Certainly some of these guys had not yet accommodated themselves to the fact that these irritations would claim a  permanent place in their lives and that the only thing that would improve the situation between them and their ex's was for them to gather some tranquility  into their lives and learn to live a bit more calmly in this new reality.

In thinking about my early sobriety I don't recall that cravings were a major hassle in my having difficulty staying sober. So it was a strain to identify with those whose major complaints were of this variety. But my constant ebb and flow of blame and acceptance of blame for all the difficulties in my relationships and the way that they pertained to my sobriety, well that was something that I recall with great clarity. For in the first six months I remember taking only partial responsibility for my alcoholism, that I had claimed, in effect, I had been 'driven to drink'. That was one of my excuses. And I recall my sponsor uttering the same words so often echoed in the rooms yet so often cursed at by those newly arrived at in AA, which was that "time takes time".

"Time takes time", said my sponsor, to which, in my early "sobriety" I would spit back "f_ _k off!"

And I was lucky that my sponsor, who outweighs me by a good hundred pounds, is compassionate and has a good sense of proportion and humor. For he responded with, "I can tell by your reply that you're right where you ought to be!"

Which would send me into a quiet rage, for with all of his composure, (and his great size), I wasn't going to let him see his serenity get to me! And week after week we met in the playground behind the church until one day he said "Bobby, you haven't told me to 'f_ _k off' once. Are you alright or do I sense some serenity coming over you?"

And I had to admit that in some surreptitious fashion I was no longer so angry, so self involved, so thinking of me, me, me all the time. Indeed, I could now consider that the rest of the world had its point of view too. And he once again proclaimed, "You're right where you ought to be." Therefore, what is important for me when I sit in a room of twenty drunks and addicts is that I am among people who collectively have a few hundred years of sobriety, and that experience, if I am careful to listen to it, can serve me in good stead. And the key ingredient that every one of them will say today to all of those still suffering men is that it takes time for things to get better. It is a poultice that only time can balm wounds with. Time permits you to develop that inner peace which is necessary to tackle life.

And that is less because time is going to solve all of the problems that the world throws at me; but that time at least gives me the perspective to understand what is important to get excited about and what to let go. And with that time, comes the wisdom to solve what needs to be solved so that there are fewer problems that require thoughtful consideration over the long haul. The rest need only cursory consideration before they are thrown in the trash bin labeled 'nuisance problems'.

But if we insist that the solution to all of our "needs" has to come right now, then sobriety will never come. Because the first agenda item on this great list of things that we must accomplish when we find ourselves suddenly sober is to stay sober. Everything else is secondary.

Drunk dreams, drug dreams, they are all distractions. Cravings, are distractions too. Because at the end of the day nothing gets solved by giving into these distractions. The wife, ex or not, the child support, the house, in foreclosure or in arrears, the job, whether you can return to it or whether you have to seek out a new one, are all dependent on one thing. Sobriety.

We can complain all that we want about how life has thrown us a bum steer. We can complain that we haven't been treated fairly. We can rail at enemies real and imagined. But all that is beside the point.

The question then is are we going to get honest with ourselves so that we can vigorously approach our sobriety; and will we do this sooner rather than later? Because all other extenuations are just another distraction.

© res 4/4/2012