LEFT UNSAID

LEFT UNSAID

We were talking about the ninth step, making amends to those persons whom we have harmed, and just how we were supposed to go about that task. This is not, after all, the easiest of labors. It must be performed with surgical delicacy in many instances. And the aim of this exercise is to explain to that person that you are on a mission to clean up the damage that you have done to people you knew during your drinking life. If that damage was social, emotional, financial or sexual the purpose was to explain that you have now stopped drinking and intend to set right those wrongs which you have done or think you may have done to people during those periods of inebriation or 'loose tounguedness'.

The gamut of people to whom this could apply reaches into all manner of relationships from work to childhood, to school friends and camp buddies even to drinking chums although this last group will be less likely to have been conscious to remember to hold a grudge or feel justified even if they did.

The most important relationship to consider is the one that will have the most impact on your life not the one that will least affect your long term moral rectitude. We could dwell upon small acts of silly idiocies while blithely letting major acts of reckless abandon go unchallenged, unchecked and unattended to. Yet the latter are clearly the more important to handle.

But in the long run we may have to challenge ourselves to be creative in addressing our needs to make amends to  people who may not be, in this life, available. In other instances we may have to hurry in order not to miss the opportunity to make amends lest that occasion not return or be missed in the hubbub of a busy life; or shall we find finalities that death prevents us from carrying out necessary appointed rounds and then later on it occurs that we are truly sorry that we could not make the amends in the most satisfying face to face way.

I find in my second year of satisfying sobriety that I wish I could have done a fitting amends to my mother and my father. My father less so since it was my mother who bore the brunt of my alcoholic rages. And as I think about it I confess that perhaps even now I need more time than ever before to make amends; because I am still stuck on the question of  just how is it that I could make my mother understand why it was that she drove me to drink. And thinking in that rut is thinking that is not an amends at all! That is just another excuse to once again lay blame at her feet.

A true amends would be to just explain that I am an alcoholic and leave her out of it. That I am doing better now, that I understand my condition better, that I am improving psychologically and eventually I will be prospering again financially. And that is that. I know that is not particularly satisfying for me but extending my hand to try to make things better for her would have been the obvious next step but now that of course is not possible.

That's what could have been and although it does not seem to feel as if it could help me now I suppose I have to do an official amends of some type to see how that will go.

Davy was sitting morosely at the end of the table while this discussion was going on and when he was asked what was on his mind he sort of choked up and said that he was just thinking of his son and how this time of the year reminded him of his graduation from high school. But Davy went on to say that he was pleased to admit that he never had to make amends to his son in anyway other than to say that being sober for his son was just a delight. All his son said was that his drinking was in the past and he was glad to have a sober father now and that he couldn't remember when his father drank anyway.

And Davy got all teary remembering the interminable five minutes before the twin towers fell when his son called him to let him know how much he loved him and how proud he was to have been his son...  

Elvin was saying that just after he had gotten sober was a bit early to start making amends. But his father had just been diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer and amends just couldn't wait. Elvin felt that he did not think that under other circumstances an amends would have been possible if the conditions had not been so dire. But things just could not be left unsaid. Apologies were not made but expressions of regret were engendered.  The pressure of the moment created a bubble of opportunity that a more lingering disease may not have provided. So now he is able to have quiet moments of informal discussion with his father just to check in from time to time. It has become unconscious even.

So years later, while at his son's lacrosse game and he was ranging up and down the sideline. And  following the action he was apparently mumbling to himself  and talking, "great shot, don't you think dad?"; and another parent standing beside him looked around and seeing nobody else, gave him the Spock eyebrow.

Amends have to be sincere. As big Al said quoting his wife, "Every time you say you're sorry, it's like stabbing a knife into my arm. And every time you apologize it's like you pull it out and it leaves a big painful gash in the arm that doesn't heal. When are you going to change your behavior so the wound can heal?"

Apologies are our stock in trade and that is damaged goods now. We cannot sell those things anymore. We need to get real and not repeat that technique. Owning our behavior, our past and extending a hand toward the future is the only way to move forward.

But leaving things unsaid, well that is the sure way to a relapse. Not attempting to heal the old wounds is just as bad as rubbing salt in it. As far as we are concerned they do not resolve anything for us and therefore do not bring any closure for us.

Amends is a process for us not for the recipient. The recipient may or may not accept the amends and its intent.

But not to make the attempt will leave an echo of "shoulda' regrets" bouncing around in the head for years to come with no way to quell the ringing in that chamber.

© res 4/27/2012