OF DIVORCE AND DEPRESSION
And it was not too unusual that I was late for today's meeting, having to drop my daughter at the train station, but from the tenor of the discussion and from what I could gather by who was leading the meeting it was clear that divorce and depression was going to be a major premise for discussion this morning.
When I stepped into the room Arlen was speaking about how sure he had been that his divorce was going to lead him down about as dark a corridor as could possibly be imagined. And he noted that he was going to make sure of that by declaring at the time that he was intentionally going to drink at his ex wife for all the wrong that she had done to him. And continuing, he said that it was not until three years later that he first found himself at the doorstep of AA, quite broken and demolished by drink and drugs and that his former wife was none the worse for the wear. Proving to his satisfaction that drinking and drugging was a game best left to saner brains but surely not those incapable of handling those properties that tend to exaggerate all normal perceptions of reality.
Jack insisted that his first wife did not understand him so he divorced her. And his second wife was clearly equally unsympathetic of his expansive personality under the influence of alcohol and cocaine. His third wife, well she just could not be trained properly. Then ten years ago Jack learned that perhaps there was something wrong with the way he worked the relationships and maybe, just maybe the drugs and alcohol had something to do with the somewhat pathologic instability of his marriages.
All these sympathetic ears were meant to make Alf feel better about his pending divorce which had been a situation that I had been watching unfold and teetering on a precipice for the past four years. In fact, I found it remarkable that it hadn't toppled over the edge long ago. And like many of us, Alf had "experimented" with his alcohol and cocaine for years. With two children and a stay at home wife, perhaps she was too co-dependent to let go so that each time that he would disappear for a weekend, holed up in a hotel with some prostitute and a bag of coke and as much booze that he could get for the money that he had on hand, she always had seemed to forgive him.
Most likely that was the fear of the unknown speaking that kept her clinging to him. And for him, he must have read this as some deep love and reticence to leaving him. But even the most devoted and loving of people have their fill and finally after, by my count, ten relapses over four years, she apparently had enough.
And Alf, well he seemed to be hit with a sense of non belief. How could this have happened? How could I have allowed this to happen and why couldn't I turn this around?
To be fair, Alf suffers from bipolar disorder, but that has been a constant during this whole affair and even though this story is not uncharacteristic, it played out like most stories of unreconstructed alcoholics regardless of their psychiatric diagnosis. They haven't hit their bottom. And Alf, quite clearly had not hit his just yet.
And now, he shares daily that he is in a deep depression about this divorce and must state it daily because he just cannot believe that he allowed it to happen. But of course, he has to let this go. "Abandon all hope of a better past", says the Big Book. Advice that is not just another bromide but an important life lesson if one is to get on with living. Living in the past will not allow you to avail yourself of the benefits of today and tomorrow.
Alan had an interesting take which although sympathetic cast a more realistic light upon the situation. He acknowledged the pain of separation and the fear of the unknown that he felt. He also was divorced but now was enjoying the era of being a happily recovering divorcee. His initial fears had led him to night terrors and imaginings of sitting in a room with only a bare light bulb hanging from the ceiling. He saw himself without a house, basically homeless and could not imagine himself as a dad that could only see his kids on alternate weekends and alternate Wednesdays. "That's where your imagination can take you."
"My wife and I were co-dependent but we had nothing in common even though I could not see myself living in a family without a wife in it. Yet when the divorce proceedings had settled, I had the house, the kids chose to live with me and the wife was outa there. It's funny how things work out and I could have only imagined the worst things but never that outcome! So don't imagine the worst. Even out of the ashes good things can rise."
I then got to thinking that two and a half years ago I was thrown out of my house and expecting to be divorced since that was a very real situation. Even though I kept pestering my wife about my recovery after my rehabilitation ("see how much I have changed"), for at least eight months, I gradually got the sense that our reconciliation was not going to happen so I eventually stopped trying so hard until I actually stopped trying at all. And it was only at that point, two years after my rehab, that my wife actually asked me to return home.
But after two years I had my reservations. Did I really want to move back? I had achieved a modicum of independence and self sufficiency and frankly I was less lonely than I imagined I thought I would be. So the decision at the time was a practical one, it was more economical to move back (and more spacious and comfortable). But it was going to be quite an adjustment. Which it has been.
But six months later I'm adjusting. And part of the major adjustment is the fact that I am not able to return to work and that is a definite strain on the relationship regardless of whether that is a daily point of discussion or not.
Life can work out in many ways and how we interpret the result depends typically upon the outcome and what we make of the consequence. This week I celebrate my fortieth wedding anniversary. By most lights, that is a good thing. The final determination of all of this will rest upon the success of that "sobriety thing". And that is the only measure of success. Everything else is, by its nature, secondary because it all falls apart without the first.
© res 3/27/2012
