ACROSS A CROWDED ROOM

ACROSS A CROWDED ROOM

The room was fairly crowded with about twenty five adults sitting practically knees to chest at desks built for seven year olds. The room was intended to teach the gospel to children whose greatest desires would have been poking carrots in the middle of some spheroid meant to serve as a head.

Or barring the presence of snow, at least to be bounding about the woods of Fairfield county chasing the wild snipe or some other equally fictitious but fun animal; perhaps a bandersnatch or two would do, but certainly not assimilating the teachings of one good man from the early Common Era instead of applying oneself to the kind of things that children do, which are of course, child things.

While here are some twenty uncomfortable looking adults laughing and joking but waiting to start a pretty serious meeting reviewing the twelve steps of AA. And this is a serious business. So serious that everyone gets to read a paragraph of the "Twelve and Twelve" and comment on that paragraph and what that step and paragraph means to him.

As I said, a serious but often amusing business. Because our paths are so varied and our styles so different that it is often a joy to listen to each of us presenting our "take" on our own experience. Yet there is nothing unfamiliar about anyone's share that would seem in the least alien to anyone else unless we should be witnessing the ramblings of some deeply disturbed individual or schizophrenic.

In fact and along those lines, I once had the peculiar experience of leading a Living Sober meeting in a detox unit and the shares seemed routine until one young man started to talk about his role as the central figure in the Sinaloa drug cartel. He called himself the Jefe,(the Boss), the Hombre grande del noreste del  Estados Unidos (the big man of the northeast US).

I started listening to this as if he were serious but when I realized that he was rambling about in some flighty ideation, and I tried to pull him back to the reality of why his Sinaloan bosses seemed to want him in a drug detox center, he got most confused and left the meeting.

It turned out that he had not reached the appropriate levels of his antipsychotic medicine yet and the value of the meeting would not serve him particularly well until he no longer was having disorganized thinking. This episode served to remind me that in detox institutions about half of the patients have a dual diagnosis and before they can get sober by the methods of AA, they need to be medically (by which I mean psychiatrically stable on their medications) treated. AA cannot do much for the unstable depressive, bipolar, and schizophrenic. They need treatment before they can get our help. And then they need to stay on their medication. Nor can AA do much if the person is still detoxing or still on alcohol.

But I digress.

But sharing is the basis for a great deal of learning in AA. You share with the group, you learn from your sponsor by sharing with him, and he learns from you by doing the same. We keep each other sober. So we do not take the sharing experience lightly. However, there are some ground rules.

Bill W. said that anyone who cannot say something in three minutes or less is being ego driven (I'm paraphrasing). And whereas I think that is being a bit constrained, for most people, most of the time, that is a pretty good time limit. Beyond that goes into self pity, why me-ism, poor me-ism and a lot of self involvement without resolution. And it breeds a lot of resentment among people who may have things that they need to share about their own experiences.

The question is often asked why don't we just spend more time at meetings? I don't know the answer to that other than that some meetings are an hour and a half but most are one hour. And they are that length because that is what the "group conscience" agreed that they should be. So it is the group that also agreed that shares should be of limited length and one must learn to develop the skill and agility to learn to express oneself within that time constraint. One of the many new skills that one has to learn when one gets sober. Surely not the most difficult.

So when Nora came into our meeting significantly late and sat down in the little squat chair, looking like a shriveled old woman it was not expected that she would be saying much. After all she was new to this meeting, had never been here and to boot had come late, and until she opened her mouth we had little idea how long she had been sober.

And with fifteen minutes left to the meeting the chairperson asked the familiar question "we have fifteen minutes left and we may not get to everyone, are there any people with burning desires who need to talk?" And Nora thrust up her hand and blurted out "I do", and before anyone could even respond she proceeded...

"I'm not normally at this meeting and I could hardly get away because I am taking care of someone who is dying...And it was by sheer luck that I could get someone to spell me for a few minutes because I have come from out of town to take care of this friend who is dying and I cannot get away. I am with her twenty four hours a day, day in day out, I hardly get any sleep, she moans all day, she hardly sleeps and when she does I barely get any rest and I was lucky to get away just for a little while and I am only sober for four months and I am barely holding on and..."

At this point her voice faded away from me since I wondered what is going on with this woman? No help? No visiting nurses? No visiting nurse's aids? No family, no friends? And my speculation just went rampant when all of a sudden I heard...

"Ma'm you're going to have to stop now and let someone else share, you have taken up more than the usual three minutes of time and now it is time for someone else to have a turn."

At which this Nora blew up, and started slinging foul language and accusing the group of all kinds of malfeasance and not being sympathetic and at least two people from the regular group walked out in sympathy.

I was somewhat flabbergasted. Not because I haven't seen this before, because this happens from time to time and typically with this type of person who is operating on the edge and is looking to blow off steam in, frankly, the wrong venue.  She needed a sponsor, a friend, a bunch of phone numbers but not the venue that she thought she was in for.

Newly sober people in AA, or should I say, new non drinkers in AA, mistake the meetings for places where they can dump everything that is wrong in their lives and think that that is the appropriate venue. What these venues are for, to put it stereotypically is to share our "experience, strength and hope", some of your frustrations and exasperations but not every last bit of angst that you have. That is why you have telephone numbers and a sponsor.

The rest of the room does not want to hear a lot of your woes particularly when the details show that a lot of the problems are self inflicted and self perpetuated (as in this case). A quick talk with a sponsor would have solved many of the difficulties which this woman was complaining about.

But what of the other members who got up and mumbled that they would not sit in a meeting that was so mean to this woman?

Well, they also needed to learn what meetings are for. And perhaps they found out that one of the reasons that this Nora was having so much trouble in managing her life was that in getting close to her they would have been able to determine that she was still drinking.

And as we know, when we drink, our lives become unmanageable.

© res 2/29/2012

WHY SHOULD I CARE?

WHY SHOULD I CARE

"Why should I care more about you than you care about you?" decried our resident theologian as his contribution to our discussion about pushing, prevailing upon, exhorting, persuading or otherwise inducing our alcoholic friends, family or employees into treatment. As profound a statement of concern as I ever heard in the annals of either AA or any form of therapy of neurotic disorders.

After all, the patient must desire to get better. And for the alcoholic, it is a matter of stated truth that in order to be relieved of the obsession to drink one must accept the fact that one is alcoholic and then want to have the obsession lifted. That is, it requires your participation.

When we consider the disease model of alcoholism we do not throw up our hands and say that since it is a disease it is not our responsibility and we have no part in the development and course of the disease. That is patently not so in the case of most disorders. Take heart disease. If we smoke or indulge in excess saturated fat intake we are sure to make things worse despite the fact that we are heritably predisposed to coronary artery disease. And similarly, if we are aware of such a predisposition we can guard against its occurrence by eating a low fat diet, and avoiding smoking. And should the markers for the disease, (high cholesterol, high triglycerides) be found, we can take preventive medications to ward off the onset of the disorder.

In the case of addictive disorders, although the signs or history may be more subtle, the family history may be very prominent and so avoidance is a sure way of preventing the onset of the disorder. But clearly if we find ourselves in the throes of the disease, cessation is the treatment of choice.

This is no secret. To blame our alcoholism or drug addiction on the fact that it is a disease is beside the point. What are you going to do about it? Don't ask me what I am going to do about it for you. There is nothing I can do about your disease. I cannot care more about your disease than you are willing to care about it yourself.

This is the hard lesson that families often have to learn. Also, well meaning employers have fallen into this trap too. They often get so caught up in wanting to bring the cure that they cannot extricate themselves from the problem of the disease of addiction. Often they become part of the problem; the more they push the more they are rejected. The more they accommodate the more they are taken advantage of.

This leads to the trap that families fall into time and again. There is almost an inevitable cycle that occurs in which the family and perhaps a few close friends exhaust themselves in trying to "cure" the afflicted individual of their problem and all that they serve to do is to enable more rounds of bad behavior and broken promises and inevitable further bouts of debauchery.

It may seem like a cruel choice to, early on in the decision making process, select the course that is less obviously softer and gentler, but may ultimately force the "sufferer" to come to some realistic if painful decisions about his own life which is the question I asked at the outset. Does he care about himself less than you care about him? Because if he does, you should not be wasting any more mental or physical energy on him or her. It is a losing battle.

The nature of addiction at best is that it is going to be a recidivist situation. And the sooner that the sufferer gets started on the long road the better. If he is lucky, the "cure" will take without any slips. If he is lucky still only a few slips will occur.

The alcoholic/addict can only count himself unlucky and bereft of hope if he never starts on the road to treatment. The best gift that any family or business can give to an alcoholic or addict is the impetus to seek treatment. That may require the tough love and stamina that only those who have sadly stood by and watched  can understand.

And the first step on the road to recovery for the addict/alcoholic is for him to answer that all important question, "do I love myself as much as they love me."

© res 2/16/2012

A CONSCIOUS CONTACT WITH IRONY

A CONSCIOUS CONTACT WITH IRONY

Where has the appreciation of irony gone? In the rooms of AA perhaps they never were there. Sometimes I think, when people get sober, they start to take themselves so seriously that subtlety and delicate reference tend to be techniques that are akin to so much haute cuisine, not enough salt to taste the food.

So it was with a discussion about prayer and meditation and its value in one's daily affairs as the eleventh step promotes; "Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."

It was my turn to read my paragraph and it fell to me to read the St. Francis prayer, a lovely petitioning for people to act selflessly on behalf of their fellows, abjuring personal gains and needs in favor of those of others in their needs. As I said, a wonderfully selfless and poetic prayer.

I had difficulty in admitting to my adherence to daily prayer and meditation even as I regularly practice much daily contemplation and self examination. But the people sharing were admitting that as they aged in the program they were growing nearer to "a conscious contact with God" even as I was remaining at arm's length or greater to this concept of a God as I understand him.

And I explained that much of my resistance was formed during my youth when my rabbi announced in front of my Hebrew class that, after determining that my father worked on the Sabbath, that god would grant him special dispensation because he was a doctor; and that was when my religious belief tanked. And any relationship that I may have had with god was immediately terminated by the preposterous notion set forth by the rabbi that a god could possibly care or in fact give him specific dispensation because of his profession and that a rabbi in fact would have entree into that mysterious knowledge was outrageous to me.

Even at that young age this seemed ridiculous.

But all that I did mention at the meeting was that the rabbi thought it within his purview to let me know how blessed my father was to be in the line of work that he was and he was conveying that message to me.

And in telling that story I was expressing the irony of how I had trouble believing in god, leaving plenty of room for many other reasons big and small why I might have doubts as to the existence of a higher being. But it was all with good humor... I thought.

But after the meeting a woman came up to me and quite seriously said to me "I want to assure you that Jesus was a Jew and he worked on the Sabbath. Did you know that?" And I said that I did and scurried away sensing that this could be a very bad lead in to a non ending and wrong minded discussion (at least from my point of view).

"You did? Oh. Good."

And I quickly turned on my heel and left the woman in my wake hoping that she would not follow me.

In an organization that professes to be non sectarian and non religious I was surprised to see someone so struck dumb by the notion of god, yet here she was and I am sure that she wasn't the only one in that room. The fact that we do not allow religious discussion in the rooms does not prevent accostings like this one outside the rooms from happening and this was the second time that this woman did this to me.

Without sounding like I am generalizing, even though I am, I find that people who are stricken with 'Godism' whether by religious proclivity or by deism through a real belief in the "fact" of the existence of god, there is, at least in my experience, a tendency to proselytize their beliefs to the "non-believer"; even if the non believer is trying very hard to attain the level of faith and spirituality that they proclaim to evince.

I chalk it up to a general lack of a sense of humor. For I do not see these people smile. They are so tied up with being enraptured that they do not have time for a good belly laugh.

That's why I will never find their god. Their reasoning will always be beyond my understanding. I will find my own road to spirituality but I doubt that this woman and those of her ilk will be able to recognize it.

© res 2/5/2012

HOW DO I KNOW?

HOW DO I KNOW?

On Monday January 30,2012 I received my two year token acknowledging two years of continuous sobriety. And now, more than 750 daily meetings later it seems a strange question that I find posing to myself, and that is how do I know that the program of AA works?

I could use my personal experience as a demonstration of its efficacy and that works well for me. That convinces me about me to me. But I could not see the changes, if there are any, in myself. All I know after all this time is that I remain sober and that some of the things that used to bother me about my life no longer seem so pressing. I can wait for some "critical" issues to resolve without me "persuading" it along. But one of the ways I judge  progress now is just as others tell me how I changed by watching how others develop in the program.

About seven months into the program some friends told me that I was "lookin' good".  And by that they meant that I no longer was dragging my attitude around with a slumped posture, a long face and a beaten temperament. I was now smiling, joking, I walked with a lighter step and I looked healthier than when I had come into the rooms seven months before.

I was unable to see this for myself unaided, until this was brought to my attention. It was only then, after I was made aware of those changes  that I finally was able to see how I had metamorphosed. Prior to that time I was so wrapped up in what I thought were such important goings on between my ears that I had not taken the time to notice the physical, mental and spiritual changes in me. 

And with the physical changes came behavioral changes  with the people I interacted daily. I was more cheerful, more mindful of others. I volunteered for more things, talked more, went out with the guys and shared at meetings. All signs that whatever the traumatic emotions were churning between my ears, they were demonstrably healing despite what I may have personally believed. So today, after more than 750 meetings I can observe when the new members are improving.

Today I sat between two fellows whom I had initially seen at the detox facility that I gave lectures at for the past year. One was a three time recidivist and the other himself was a chronic relapser. But both made an effort to attend these men's meetings every day. And it is clear that they may not have been able to see early on how they improved.

Initially one kept having trouble not returning to the bottle. But each time he he stayed honest and came back to the rooms and admitted that he was powerless but still willing. And not yet willing to be swallowed by this disease.

So he kept coming. Because he realized a few things. He hadn't spoken to his family in six months. He had alienated them to such a degree that there was no more wellspring of goodwill there and he could not return there until he got clean and sober. And he could not just tell them that he was sober, he had to demonstrate it. And he was not there yet.

But the men did not reject him. We told him every day to just keep coming even if and when he drank over and over again. As long as he returned to us he was welcome.

And he came. And it stuck. Finally he now has eight days and it took him a month to get these eight days. And there is every expectation that this will grow to eight weeks. Maybe not in a row yet; but if he remembers who his friends are and where he needs to come every morning he will be sure to recall that there are people who truly care about him. Something he readily admits that he never thought he would find.

And then there was the other guy who is now seventy days sober, who initially thought he was doing this so that he could see his newborn. He thought he was staying sober for some reason other than himself. Finally after a month and a half he began to realize that the only person he needed to stay sober for was himself. If that was the only thing he accomplished then all of his other needs and wants would fall into place.

He realized that putting anything else before his sobriety was just another roadblock on the way to another slip. It would become just another excuse to go out. But if he just paid attention to not drinking or drugging, by example he would demonstrate his fitness to his ex-finance, his parents, and to any prospective employer.

So now he is seeing his son regularly, his parents are back in his life and he is working where a month ago he was asking for handouts from his father. He now has his car back and he is purchasing a phone tomorrow.

Is this Nirvana? No! But compared to where he was more than two months ago he is well on his way to recovery.

But best of all I can turn to him each morning and say to him "you're lookin' good", and he has a pretty good idea of what that expression entails.

So the evidence that I have for the program of AA working is in the metamorphosis of the faces of the new members going from  looking dirt smudged and down trodden with misery written all over, to smiling, washed and walking with a spring in their step. And I see this week after week. "First we recover physically, then mentally then spiritually". And that happens each and every time in the people whose sobriety lasts.

The Big Book appeals to the reader to:

"Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows, Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us..."

In our group we have achieved a way to make the newly recovering alcoholic understand the love and warmth and support available in the program. It is theirs for the taking. All they need to do is reach out and grab onto it for dear life.

© res 2/1/2012