Listening
I remember when I was a resident when Dr. Avram said, "Pay close attention to what the patient has to say. Listen to the patient. It is in what she has to say; for therein lies the diagnosis.
I would like to say that I heeded that advice and attended to it during the ensuing thirty years of practice and private life. Listening to people should be what we all do. And this should be rather by habit than by an effort; by heart rather than by rigorous training; by pleasure rather than soured discipline. But I have come to it as a result of vicissitudes of what occurs when you do not listen either carefully or even casually to the ideas and desires of others. It is the price paid for the absence of attention paid that I have become mindful of what others say and do and intend and pray for but haven't followed through upon.
I have become aware of people with good intentions who did not have staying power. Who had great ideas but could not complete a project. Who could start things but could not finish them. Who could be obsequious but had no commitment. When you are self-centered you tend to forget the reasons why you want to have the attention of other people.
Sometimes you want their money. Sometimes their approbation. Sometimes their love. Sometimes you need to have your praises sung again and again. But when you bring others along upon your journey they eventually will want to make it their own, and part of that process will entail adding their own contribution to this bouillabaisse of an enterprise. If you keep their participation at arm's length their interest will wane and their engagement in your venture will flag.
Ed was mentioning just this very topic today when we were discussing just what it was that were the most important things that we got out of AA. Was it the sober element, the God element, the serenity or the spirituality? No, what was apparently the most important thing for him was that he finally learned to complete tasks he started. He was no longer the supposed "eminence gris" that would start projects, get them rolling, staff them and then leave them for others to keep going. No, his sponsor finally got him to learn to stick to things that he had started, not the least of which was his AA program. Because, not sticking to his program ultimately led him to believe that he had his alcoholism licked and he finally thought that he could "control" his drinking. And when you start a program that way you will eventually wander from the path. And so he ultimately went out.
Ed is much quieter about his "uniqueness" now, and is a bit more humble about asking others to help in seeing projects through to completion without him. Alec nodded his head in agreement. He felt that stopping his marijuana smoking was pretty easy. But he acknowledged the incomplete follow through behavior in our everyday lives that was so characteristic of us who are addicted to one substance or another. He thought he had a handle on his sobriety. However, admitted that he was a long way from buying into this "higher power business". I remember my own resistance to that concept also. That was a resistance that was to have fateful consequences.
I had to remind myself how, twelve years ago, how "easy" I felt it was to stay away from a drink. You just don't drink. Right? Easy! Right! I had that sureness, like Alec, that my ability to stay away from the booze was practically a given and since I never used drugs, that was never going to be a problem. Right? Sure!
Well I cannot say that drugs ever did become a problem for me because I never gave them a chance but I did not give AA much of one either and I went in and out of the rooms for the next eight years until I could only manage to stop drinking for a few consecutive six months. I attended the meetings regularly but still, not believing in the program, I do not think that I achieved any sobriety worth bragging about.
And I worry that the nonchalance with which Alec believes that he can remain sober will lead him down the same primrose path as mine. It is not unheard of. More people fail to stay sober than do when they start out in the program and many of those founder on the shoals of an active resentment to the idea of a belief in a "higher power".
They eschew the notions of spirituality and goodness and cling to a belief that one can achieve sobriety all by oneself; they misconstrue AA's mission to help people as requiring a religious belief in Jesus Christ as God as a precondition for help in getting sober. There is little apprehended difference between the concepts of spirituality and religion and sobriety is often balanced on that delicate fulcrum between these two propositions; that's where the major breakdown takes place and often where a lot of sobriety goes south. That was my downfall and I wasted eight years and many, many dollars trying to run away from that world.
The rehabilitation medical community believes that there are many ways that you can "encourage" recovery. Enthusiastic participation is of course the best way. Grudging participation is next but there is something to be said for legally mandated participation. To some extent, I am in that latter category although I would like to believe that I would remain sober regardless of the intrusive urine drug testing in my life. Since the fact of the matter is that I have no intention of ever letting that urine drug and alcohol test get positive because I will not take a drink.
And so it is for Alec. And while he is required to be tested this provides him a window of opportunity, (perhaps unwanted at first) to begin to appreciate the blessing that has been given to him. He is already beginning to observe people at social "functions" where he cannot drink and he is "discovering" behaviors that he never realized was going on before. And now he is becoming embarrassed for some of his closest friends. And they aren't even alcoholics!! He is becoming abashed for the old him.
He now comes to meetings and says, "Did I do that?" Knowing full well that his behavior was probably as, a.) foolish, b.) objectionable or c.) childish. And he gets a shy grin on his face when he relates these tales to us.
So it is my hope that Alec finds his spirituality eventually. Lots of people fight AA with the excuse that they do not want to be forced into this belief in a God system that they had no training in and had no intention of adopting now. But I have found through bitter experience that my resistance was just an excuse to put off my sobriety in the vain hope that I could drink again at some time in the future.
It was, in a sense, a refusal to take the first step which was to admit that I was powerless over alcohol and my life had become unmanageable. Because when I stopped drinking my health got better and I started to think more clearly and I thought life had gotten better. I had forgotten for the moment that the reason it had gotten better was, in fact, that I had stopped drinking.
Unfortunately, when I started to drink again, it took me quite awhile to admit, once again, that my life had become unmanageable all over again.
© res 5/28/2012
