THIS THING CALLED
SOBRIETY
There was a palpable melancholy
in the room when we noticed the empty chair, day after day, a void that seemed
all the more regrettable since our company knew the risk. And the vacancy was
all the more obvious yesterday that it spurred an hour's discussion on the
evils of drug and alcohol addiction and how their siren song is so tempting that we have to be on
guard against it rearing its ugly head in our most unguarded moments.
It was Ralph who was absent and
we should have known how likely this was to happen. He told us how frightened
he was of this occurring. So agitated was he that he postponed needed hip
surgery for years. And this forced inactivity caused him to gain so much weight
over the years thus worsening the degradation of the hip.
Finally he consented to the hip
replacement because the pain was so great that he had been reduced to a
supervisory role, one which he loathed since he prided himself as builder of
the first order.
So after the surgery proved a
success and his rehabilitation proceeded without any major stumbling blocks, it
seemed as if his prolonged consternation and reluctance was a phantom anxiety,
more a matter of a mental fear than a reality.
But we were wrong and some saw the turn of the screw when they thought
they noticed him slurring his speech when he finally returned to the
rooms. But Ralph denied the accusation
maintaining that his sobriety had remained intact.
But yesterday after an absence of
a week, the discussion in our "Living Sober" meeting turned to that
empty chair and to Ralph's sad absence.
And, coincidentally, Manny's vacant seat too, a man who continued to struggle
with his sobriety despite all the daily support that got from the men in the
room.
Sentiments of worry about whether
Ralph would find his way back to the meetings, whether we were at fault because
we did not take his anxiety as seriously as it apparently was. And I,
particularly, felt as if I had let Ralph down when I visited him shortly after
his transfer to the rehab facility where he was learning how to walk again.
As Ralph and I talked, it was
clear that he was frightened about his ability to get off the opiates that he
was prescribed and as a result he held back on the pain medication so that his
rehabilitation was more painful than it needed to be. And my advice to him was
that he should take as much pain medication as prescribed so that his pain
would not intrude upon his rapid recovery.
I mentioned that one of the
problems with opiate addicts was their sense of heightened pain and that they
were less sensitive to opiate analgesics than the normal population thus
requiring greater doses than the typical patient. That if he under dosed
himself he would get none of the benefits of the medication and all of the
dependency problems both psychologic and physical. For if he did not take away
the pain, all he would get were the stimulative effects of the drug without
getting analgesic benefit. He would remember nothing but the fact that he would
need more and more of the drug in order to gain the benefit. Psychologically
this would be a set up for readdiction. But if he took the medication as
indicated, much of the psychological component would be quashed and he could
more consciously resist the drug's addictive properties when the time came for
him to wean himself off of the medication.
As I explained this to him, he
appeared to be relieved. Relieved of the necessity for vigilance, and finally
getting permission to take the medication that he needed. Whether he followed my suggestions is
difficult to say given the outcome.
So I blamed myself, and I said so
to the group. But Max pointed out that
as addicts and alcoholics, we must take responsibility for our own recovery.
None of us can assume the role of mentor without a certain sense of
powerlessness. That is, we are as powerless over the addict in getting him to
stay sober as anyone of our families were for us in our own recoveries. We had to take our recovery seriously.
The fact that this is a disease
is no excuse for not putting in the mental energy to actually fight it. The disease may drain us of willpower and the
fact that AA says that willpower alone will not avail us any capacity to
recover, is no reason not to try. We cannot stand aside and just say that this
is a disease and therefore we play no part in our own recovery. That is
patently false, for the treatment of this chronic disease as well as all
chronic diseases.
We have to play our part,
otherwise we would feel justified in blaming our lack of control over our
diabetes on the treating physician. And
if we do not curb our appetite for fats and sugars we equally are undermining
our treatment of our heart disease and hypertension.
Where does this lead the recently
relapsed? Well, there are many options, but despair seems to lead some to the
most radical choices. They go out never to return to the rooms and ultimately
expire from the disease or, in the depths of their depression, choose to end
their lives.
But how do we reconcile this,
that a man who has lead a blessed existence after becoming sober can find
himself only with two solutions, when neither to live or die seems like a
reasonable choice. That choice being that if he lives he ultimately dies an
addict or alcoholic, or taking the unreasonable choice of taking his own life.
After all, we are looking at
someone who might find a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If he will
only find that "other solution" to return to the rooms where he is
missed so much.
So this morning Ralph returned with
his head down, abashed at his behavior but with the possibility of personal
salvation. However, he was greeted with
backslaps and handshakes and even a hug or two.
We delighted in seeing him. So many of us had worried that we would not
see this day.
During the past four years, he
used to credit his recovery to the look of love and appreciation on his
children's faces. And while he was detoxing this time they visited him and in
that moment he gained the strength to return to the rooms and start all over
again.
He knew we all loved him and
wanted for him to succeed. He saw how his children still needed him. And when
he came back he said that he was sorry that his behavior had so disappointed the men in the room.
But he had to acknowledge that it
was the love he found in the rooms that finally gave him the courage to return
and make another go at this thing called sobriety.
© res 3/14/2013
