THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE

THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE

Yesterday was an intense snow day. It was one of those snows that when you look out the window you see a blanket of white over everything . Upon walking outside a profound sense of silence settled on me, muffling the sound of the few cars that went by and almost no other sounds of nature birds or even the creaking of branches in the wind. It was like the world was talking through a pillow.

I got up early to go to my meeting yesterday morning but the best that I could do was clear the foot of snow off of the car, clear the windshield and dig an access path to the car door to warm it up. But I couldn’t clear a foot of snow from around the car and I did not want to risk a cardiac event, not being a shoveler in the best of times. The plow crew which on other occasions I had to beat to my car before they would actually plow me into my parking spot, I actually beat to the punch and they were nowhere to be found. And I later determined that I had awakened a good two hours before they arrived and was therefore unable to get to my meeting.

I felt bad since during the blizzard two weeks ago I easily (well it was a bit tougher than that) got to the meeting despite the fact that only I, John and Bill were able to make it to the meeting , and of course Cyrus, the 19 month 90 pound German Shepherd puppy. Well we were all a bit tired. But we did have our meeting, informal though it was.

So I was a bit nonplussed that on a relatively light snow day I could not get out of the driveway to get to my meeting and today it became even more troubling when I found out some additional information. Part of what was bothering me was that I had promised A that I would pick him up for the meeting. He did not have a ride and he was early in his sobriety (about three months) and he lives with an unrepentant drunk (his girlfriend) and is constantly on edge about the challenges to his sobriety. Well she had a snow day so she was going to stay in.

And two nights before, he had begged off dinner with me because his girlfriend was not ‘feeling well’, which I read as ‘was two sheets to the wind’ which is why I constantly offer A respites to have lunch, dinner, some time at least, with me. But for whatever reason he chooses to stay with her and ‘care’ for her.

Well on this snow morning when I had to beg off picking him up I offered to have him come to an evening meeting that I was chairing at a detox center that evening and then offered to pick him up earlier that afternoon to get him out of his apartment have dinner with me and away from his girlfriend. His answer was “absolutely” and I thought all would be well.

Then a text, “Alice going out to liqer store because not going to work which may mean I need to stick around” to which I replied “That may not be good for you but u gotta do what u gotta do, Let me know if you still want to do dinner and go to H—brk.”

And then silence for the rest of the day.

So I went out to do some shopping and while I was in the supermarket fighting the ghosts of shoppers past, I called again and there was no phone pickup so I left a message once again inviting him but stating that in the absence of a reply I would assume that he was not going to take me up on my offer. And a pall settled on my fairly good mood for a snowy afternoon. I began to be mildly concerned but sometimes you have to let things be.

And this morning I got a call. A chastened voice sounding from afar, A, sounding pretty miserable, stating that he did not feel particularly well and feeling obliged to call me that he drank yesterday. And not just one drink but a lot. But he needed to come clean with me since he knew that I had been trying to keep him sober in his trying circumstances, especially on the day I thought would be the most difficult for him. And he realized that.

Having been there myself before , I could not take him to task for this ,although I did want to reach through the phone wire and shake him by the shoulders. I had given him many chances yesterday to get out from under the thumb of temptation. But I know that we don’t just slip. Slips don’t just happen. Slips are planned. They aren’t planned yesterday, or the day before, or even consciously. His slip may have been planned since the previous snow storm. Who knows, but it started at the last temptation and Christ! It was delivered yesterday.

Could it have been avoided? I don’t know, for if I am correct, having put that much effort into subconsciously planning a slip how does the subconscious ego get satisfied unless the drink is actually consummated? I guess one has to become conscious that you have been working up to that drink all along and become grateful for having been saved from drinking in order for an intervention to work. Otherwise the intervention just becomes another resentment and sets the stage for the next 'slip' which will then not be long in coming.

So rather than lecturing A, I just reminded him that I have lived in that glass house too and also reminded him that I have been extending and continue to extend a helping hand. But it is up to him to reach out and take it. I cannot make a schoolchild learn having provided a school house. And I cannot make a drunk sober unless he wants to be sober. All I can do is offer the tools. He has to be willing to use them.

Daiyanu.

©res 1/13/11