TO KNOW YOURSELF IS TO LOSE YOURSELF

TO KNOW YOURSELF IS TO LOSE YOURSELF

Alice said it plainly but it was so clearly true that believing that she could conquer her alcoholism by sheer force of will was impossible .  Self knowledge or will power is of little value.  Compulsion will get her (or me) in the end.

The notion that I could possibly solve the problem of drinking through understanding its root cause further pushed me away from acceptance of the condition; but that through understanding the nature of the alcoholism in me was the only way of trying to tame it was just a distraction and really just another means to deny its hold on me.

The more I accept my condition, the more I allow the spirit of the world , the power of the universe to  heal me – to permit me to accept the suggestions that help me to stay away from the next drink. The more I try to understand my drinking, the more I vainly try to wrest control of my disease from the aid offered by my higher power and it increases my resistance to giving up my will to that power greater than myself.

It may seem paradoxical that in trying to comprehend the disease, I merely demonstrate a willfulness to reject the help that surrender can give. But by surrendering the willful need to understand, I stop refusing and resisting to get better.  I allow myself the freedom to heal. The resistance leaves and although understanding may not come now, or later, peace and contentment and freedom from the obsession to drink may finally be granted- without necessarily understanding why.

And then I become able to achieve a level of serenity that sheer knowledge never permits. Facts are cold and hard. I can know all the facts that there are but they won’t necessarily release me from the anxiety and obsession to drink.  They just illuminate the obsession and amplify the anxiety so that I can bear witness to both in an unbearably intense light.

But acceptance, unequivocal, unvarnished and unhesitatingly given, releases me from the fear of understanding. Knowledge does not grant release. Understanding does not thrust freedom from fear upon the soul.  Acceptance unfetters fear and anxiety and frees me from the incessant preoccupation and compulsion to drink.

And finally, having accepted that I cannot know why I drink, really, but can nevertheless give it up, this then sets the stage for permitting me to let go of the many other outrageous behaviors that foul up my relations with other people. It allows me to begin to understand that I hold onto  my hates , resentments, jealousies, and fears at my own risk and for no other purpose than to perpetuate the behavior itself;  just to support a spurious scaffolding of personality that thrives on needing to put others down in order to prop myself up.

But to break the cycle of anger, irritability, fear and lashing out, only to repeat it again, is only the beginning to living the rest of my life in a self sustaining way; one that can daily be replenished by remembering to stop harboring and self feeding negative thoughts.  The cycle stops here – apologies or amends are made so that negative behaviors do not have a chance to fester into gangrenous wounds until tissue death sets in.  The wound can then be debrided and I can let the healing begin.

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I originally started this essay two months ago, but it was only today when I heard C. speak that I began to appreciate the verity of what I was just saying.  Because I have said to myself and others that understanding takes time. Healing takes time. Time takes time. But C. was talking about his journey and one element was clear about his sojourn, time.

He did not impress himself with his alcoholism until he found himself in front of his boss and his clients at a meeting at which he was the main event and he just appeared in his clothes that he dragged himself out of bed with after having  been drinking pretty much all night.

He was fortunate enough to be given the chance at rehabilitation and as luck would have it when he was discharged he was told to attend AA to achieve lasting sobriety.

But like many self made men (people), he just couldn’t identify with others in the rooms. He wasn’t like them! He still had his family, his fortune, his fancy car -  his mistress. He could stay sober on his own!

Not exactly the frame of mind to achieve any level of humility and self knowledge and understanding of his condition. Peace and contentment? He thought he could find it but it proved to be as elusive as his tenuous sobriety.

As elusive as a marriage based upon a lie.

I have heard many stories in the rooms and there are none yet that I’ve heard that have achieved a modicum of sober success without a bottom being hit. And that may entail the loss of job, home, fortune or family.

Or all of the above. Why? Because pride is bane of us all and it gets in the way of us beginning to see who we really are, let alone admit that we are truly the alcoholics that we have been telling ourselves that we are not! And then the loss of all of those things in life that formerly meant so much to us becomes a humiliating experience – a humbling experience.  And until we experience humbling, or becoming smaller in ego size, we cannot begin to fully appreciate the concept of humility.

It is not a process of becoming small, it is just a process of our egos becoming right sized.  And then we can begin to learn. Learn first that we are alcoholic, and really believe it.  Learn kindness and calmness. Learn to be still, rather than being constantly in motion.  Learn to understand rather than insisting on being understood. Learn to listen rather than being heard. To calm others rather than worry them.

These are not my concepts. I borrowed them from St. Francis. But they are words that I have to live by if I want to remain sober. Likewise, if he wants to achieve sobriety  I believe that every alcoholic must learn to live by these principles too.  

They are so elegant in their simplicity, so difficult in their mastery.

© res 10/6/11